Work Text:
Dib is walking away from an obvious altercation with Zim. He’s upset, torn shirt, skin smoking.
D: UURGH! Every time! This happens every time! My life is- my life is a parade of indignities! Is EVERYONE out to get me? Where did Zim even GET that many beavers on such short notice? Why is my life so horrible? Every day I get out of bed and the universe just LAUGHS at me for 20 hours until I go to sleep at night. I can hear it, hear its horrible, horrible laughter-
Dib steps on a rake which whacks him in the face.
D: AAAAUGH! LOOK, you see? That couldn’t have been placed more perfectly if someone had- had- if someone had actually placed it!
Onlookers watch, concerned, as he screams.
D: I’ve had enough! I’ve had enough, you hear! I give up! I give up…
Dib lies down on the lawn. There’s a several-panel montage of time continuing on as he lays there grouchily for an indeterminate period of time, with only one constant: Jhonen Vasquez standing in the background. Finally Dib notices and sits up.
D: Hey. Why are you still standing there?
J: What? It’s only been four panels.
D: What?
Jhonen looks at his watch.
J: Huh, wow. That *was* fast.
Jhonen turns away and begins to walk off.
J: You’re a nosy kid, Dib.
D: HEY! WHO ARE YOU? HOW DID YOU KNOW MY-
Dib realizes that maybe it’s unwise to let on what he noticed. Next line is to himself.
D: How did you know my name?...
Dib jumps up and covertly follows Jhonen.
CUT TO:
Dib is in his bedroom, talking to the Swollen Eyeball, waving comic and art sheets around wildly.
D: You won’t believe it! Pages and pages of this stuff. Secrets about me I’ve never told anyone before in my life! And you guys are in here, too!
SW: Secrets about you? Like what?
D: Like the time that I- No, actually, that’s too embarrassing. Like- Hmmmm. No, not that either. Listen, really secret stuff. You have to believe me!
SW: We’ve never heard of this “Jhonen Vasquez” man before, so the file on him is brand new. Our current intel indicates that he is an American cartoonist.
D: You mean you Googled him?
SW: ...Yes.
D: But the craziest thing is, he knows about Zim too. He has pages of notes. If you wanted to see-
SW: Oh, not this Zim is an alien thing again. Look, kid, we’ll look into this Vasquez character, but-
The doorbell rings and Dib jumps up.
D: Oh! That must be my new set of x-ray specs. Zim broke the last one. I’ll be right back. Agent Mothman out!
Dib runs down the stairs and opens the door, beaming.
D: If you’re looking for a Dib “Mothman” Membrane, that’s me-
It isn’t the postman. It’s Jhonen, leaning against the doorframe.
D: eeep
Dib tries to close the door, but Jhonen grabs it.
D: How- how did you figure out where I live?
J: I made you. Also you were lying on your lawn yesterday.
Jhonen enters and Dib cowers.
J: A better question is how did you figure out where I live? And uh, can I have those drawings back now?
D: How do you know so much about me? Are you an alien in disguise?
J: I already told you. And no.
Jhonen sits down at the table and sifts through the drawings.
D: But there’s just so much here. About me, about Gaz, about dad, about Zim… And drawings of me older, things that haven’t even happened yet.
J: Hey, can I have some coffee? Since you just stole a bunch of my stuff. It’s in the green mug, up there [in the cupboard].
D: We don’t have a green mug.
J: Hold on.
Jhonen scribbles on a paper for a second, then holds up a drawing of the cupboard, opened to show a steaming cup of coffee with [Z?] on it inside.
J: Go check.
Dib does. There it is. He gives it to Jhonen.
D: ...are you God?
J: Yeah. But because you figured that out, my devoted priests are going to use you for their next human sacrifice.
D: …
D: You’re bluffing.
J: I’m LYING, not bluffing. But the fact you believed me at all isn’t encouraging.
D: This is insane. This is all so insane. You know, this actually explains so much. I’ve always had this feeling that there was something bigger going on out there, something everyone was hiding from me, if I could only figure out what it was…
J: No, that’s just garden variety paranoia. Everyone has that.
D: Really?
J: Well, I do. So I gave it to you, too.
D: Gee, thanks.
J: You’re welcome.
D: But this- this is amazing! Listen, you know everything about Zim. You could help me uncover him for the world to see!
J: Why would I do that?
D: Because- well, because-
D: Hey, if you really made the world, if you made all this, why did you do it?
J: Because I could. I was bored. I like worlds with aliens. Mostly because I got paid for it.
D: And why did you make it suck so bad? For me specifically?
J: It’s funny to watch you fail.
D: It’s not funny for me.
J: Failing is funny. Pain is funny. Horrible things are funny. Diarrhea is funny.
D: Look, if the whole world, if my entire life until now was just so that you could set me up for failure again and again and again, don’t you think you owe it to me to let me win, just once? Once where it matters? Can’t you give me a happy ending?
J: You think I owe you that?
D: Yes!
J: You don’t think that maybe you owe me the fact that you exist in the first place? Look, right here. Here’s the first drawings of you I ever did. Wow, you look weird in this. Your head’s gotten a lot bigger.
D: Not this again.
J: Anyways, that’s you on this sheet. The original Dib. What do you think would happen if I tore this up right now? I have a pretty good theory.
Dib sweats, terrified. Jhonen tears it up and Dib screams. But nothing happens.
J: I sort of guessed that would happen. I bet if I tore up all these sheets you’d still be here, because you still exist right [taps head] here. You’re in too many heads now.
Jhonen begins gathering up all his drawings back up in a pile.
D: So what do I do now that I know this? Go back to my life? Go back to miserable failure after miserable failure?
J: Well, you could stop chasing Zim everywhere, but I already know you won’t do that.
D: I CAN’T do that. He’d take over the world!
J: No he wouldn’t. He might blow up his part of it a lot, but he’s really a moron.
D: You don’t know him like I know hi-
J: I MADE him.
Dib thinks this over and becomes furious.
D: I don’t believe you. This is some kind of trick. Are you an Irken, too? Did Zim tell you to say this, huh?
J: [to himself] oh boy
D: I think the two of us should pay Zim a little visit. This is another ploy of his, I just know it.
J: I wish they’d let me kill you back in season 1 when I had the chance.
D: What?
CUT TO:
Zim’s front lawn. Dib hammers on the front door.
D: COME OUT OF THERE, ZIM! I have one of your FRIENDS here.
Zim shouts from inside.
Z: FRIENDS? The MIGHTY ZIM needs no FRIENDS!
Zim cracks open the door and glares out. Dib stands triumphant with an impossibly bored-looking Jhonen.
D: Oh YEAH? Then who is THIS?
Z: I have no idea. I have never seen this disgusting human worm in my life.
D: Wait, really?
Zim tries to close the door, but Dib clings to the doorknob, holding it open.
D: Wait! He knows everything about you! [to Jhonen] Right? [to Zim] He MADE you, Zim! He made both of us!
Z: RIDICULOUS! The ZIM is not from this FILTHY planet. Zim was grown from a smeet like all respectable Irkens! Now get off my lawn!
D: [to Jhonen] Quick, tell him something only you would know! Tell him…. Tell him what he ate for dinner last night!
J: Why would I have decided what he ate for dinner last night?
D: [desperate] I don’t know, make something up! If you really are a god or whatever, it’ll be true no matter what, right?
J: Zim, you ate half an Irken licking stick last night. Gir ate the other half, and then a quart of pickles, which he vomited onto the television, short-circuiting it and sending a power surge through the wall that killed your neighbor’s exotic goldfish.
Zim stops trying to slam the door shut and gapes.
Z: WHO TOLD YOU THIS, SPYING HUMAN? GIR! We have a security breach on our hands! SECURE THE PERIMETER!
GIR walks out with a roll of CAUTION tape and begins wrapping it indiscriminately around trees, fences, lawn gnomes, himself, and Dib.
D: That's right, Zim. He knows everything about you.
Z: LIES!
D: Every plan you've ever made. Every plan you're GOING to make.
Z: IMPOSSIBLE! Not even ZIM knows what Zim's next ingenious plan will be!
J: Can I go now?
Z and D: NO!
D: I've seen your plans, Zim. I've seen them all. And not one of them can even compete with my secret weapon: the man who made this world!
Z: Foolish human! Now that you have TOLD me of this secret weapon I can destroy him where he stands!
D: I'd like to see you try!
Zim whips out a terrifying-looking raygun and holds it against Jhonen's head. Jhonen's expression does not change from tolerant boredom. Zim sweats.
Z: COWER, HUMAN!
D: You don't know what you're messing with here, Zim. You don't know what this man can do!
Z: [to Jhonen] Aren't you AFRAID, human? WHY AREN'T YOU AFRAID?
J: Zim, you're a moron.
Zim screams and blasts Jhonen's head off. It's pretty gross. Chunks are all over Dib, who is screaming like mad. Zim sticks out his tongue and kicks the headless body off his doorstep.
Z: Eugh. Well, glad that's over with. GNOMES! Dispose of the body for me!
The gnomes grab a still-screaming Dib and begin dragging him away.
Z: NO, the OTHER body!- Eh, whatever. Take both of them, it's fine.
Zim shuts the door and Dib screams after him.
D: YOU KILLED GOD, ZIM! YOU KILLED GOD!
The gnomes drag both to a river and toss them in. Jhonen sinks. Dib struggles to shore, rolls on his back, and stares up at the sun. The sun is the sun, and does nothing.