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5 years.
She hasn’t seen Ilsa Faust in 5 years.
Not since her and Hunt vanished from the face of this earth. Not since they decided to leave everything behind and run away together.
So, you can probably imagine the surprise and confusion Alanna felt the moment she walked into the room. She expected to see a hostage, someone meant to be used as bait. Instead, she was met with that stunning pair of blue eyes she knew so well.
However, they were framed by a different face.
Instead of Ilsa’s sharp and mesmerizing features, Alanna’s eyes roamed over a childish face. A girl, maybe 4 years of age. She sat in the middle of the room, on a small chair. Her wrists and legs were roughly tied to it.
For a moment she couldn’t tear her gaze away from the girl’s eyes. Alanna never saw those eyes cry before. The sight of them all teary, glossy and red shattered her heart into a million little pieces.
Alanna never wanted this. Never wanted to get attached to someone the way she did to Ilsa. But it was too late. She was in love with her. She had fallen in love with her so long ago, she could no longer remember what it felt like to live without that hollow feeling in her chest.
It all happened a few months before they disappeared. Ilsa was on a mission and Alanna noticed her from the other side of the room. A stunning brunet in a striking red dress that glided through the room with such confidence, catching each eye of those who dared to look her way. At that moment Alanna realized that she wanted her. And the White Widow gets all that she wants. It took her some time and effort to find her again, Ilsa was a great undercover agent, but Alanna dug up the truth. After learning everything she could put her hands on about the spy Alanna finally arranged their meeting. And hell was it worth every second she spent in search of the brunet.
It didn’t take Ilsa long to realize Alanna knows who she is. Also didn’t take her long to realize what Alanna wanted from her. They spent that night in Alanna’s hotel room, doing anything but sleeping.
Then came the fun times, at least that’s how Alanna called them. They would meet up and… enjoy each other’s company. Alanna liked reminiscing about those meetings. It was before things got complicated. It was before she realized just how deeply she was falling for the brunet. It was before she realized what it was that Ilsa made her feel. And it was before she realized she can’t control those feelings like she controlled everything else in her life.
Then came the realization. It was like a slap to Alanna’s face, one that deep down she knew was coming. She scolded herself for letting it happen, for allowing herself such weaknesses. But each time Ilsa knocked on her door she let her in. Completely forgetting all the walls she was trying to build, Alanna tore them down again and again just by the sight of Ilsa’s smile.
That was a confusing time. Alanna felt like she was torn into two pieces. One part was telling her that this feeling is wrong, that she has no place for it in her messy life. The other melted at the sound of Ilsa’s laughter, the sight of her smile and the softness of her lips. She would constantly tell herself that it can’t continue like this, that she must end it. But then when she tried Ilsa would title her head to the side in that adorable way and ask “Is everything okay?” in her soft and caring voice. Alanna was only able to smile at that sight and nod “Sure, everything’s good”. Then she would forget all about it and sink into the precious moment with Ilsa.
Things got more complicated when they started talking. It wasn’t just physical any longer, they started bonding over the simple things as well. Alanna found herself sitting in restaurants with Ilsa or walking the rainy streets together, all while listening to her stories or sharing some of her own. They never truly called it a date, but the two women knew what it was. Alanna knew what it was, but she didn’t know how to deal with it. With each detail she learnt about Ilsa, Alanna was realizing just how special the woman in front of her was, and just how unworthy of her she was.
The thing that broke the deal for Alanna was when one evening, she wasn’t even sure how that happened, they started talking about the future. Not specifically them together in it but just what they want to accomplish one day. Both of them were slightly drunk so the truth was spilling along with the nice red wine they shared. It was nice at first, spilling to Ilsa all her grand plans for deals she wants to make and items she dreams to put her hands on. She also enjoyed listening to Ilsa’s ideas, locations she dreams to visit or things she wishes to try.
Then Ilsa dropped the bomb on her.
She wanted a family. She didn’t say it like that, but Alanna wasn’t stupid. Ilsa wanted to retire, leave the crazy and dangerous life behind, settle down and start a family. That night there wasn’t much sleep done, okay maybe this one was because of Ilsa.
But next night, after Ilsa left, Alanna couldn’t sleep ither. Her thoughts kept running in a circle. First, she would question why would Ilsa want to leave this exciting and fun lifestyle behind. Then the image Ilsa described to her, a nice house in the middle of nowhere with a kid or two running around, would rise in front of her eyes, bringing warmth with it. Then she would shake her head and note how that life isn’t meant for her. Then she would start questioning how did she end up in a situation where she was even considering this life. A thing she wouldn’t even imagen in her worst nightmares a year ago was now an option. Eventually she came to the conclusion that she isn’t good for Ilsa, also maybe Ilsa isn’t good for her business, and that they should stop whatever it is that they’re doing. She was holding her back, holding her back from her dreams. Alanna could never have that, what Ilsa wants. And she surely could never give that to Ilsa, could never provide her with such happiness. And if Ilsa isn’t happy with her she should leave. Alanna wants her to be happy. Even if Ilsa doesn’t see it Alanna can do it for her, she can make her leave and find something better. Find someone better who’s whole and can give her all that she wants.
Each time she thought it over Alanna would come to the conclusion that Ilsa deserves to be happy but not with her. She can’t have that kind of happiness, it’s just not meant for people like her. She’s the white widow, it’s not what she wants from life, it’s not what she worked so hard to achieve.
And so, she did it. She couldn’t face Ilsa while doing it so she sent a message, a very clear one. It was fun but they should stop meeting. Alanna’s feelings got too deeply involved in the whole thing and she couldn’t have such feelings in her line of job. And as quickly as it all started it was over.
The feelings weren’t gone of course, the reminding of what she lost paining her each day, but Ilsa’s present in her life was gone. The next year passed for her in a blur, especially after she learnt of Ethan’s and Ilsa’s fate together. Some days the pain was unbearable. Other days she just felt nothing, felt like a hollow sack of bones. But she learned to live with it. She had to continue living. Even if living included the hole in her chest and the constant memory of the woman she loved.
“She is a sight, isn’t she? One of my greatest loots to this day” Alanna realized she was staring at the girl for way too long. Those eyes brought too many memories with them. She took a deep and steadying breath, then turned to the other person in the room. Markus Kage, a headhunter. You wanted somebody caught, dead or alive, you went to Kage. However, the girl wasn’t Alanna’s order. She had history with Kage, like many others, but this time she was just there as the broker. The whole situation was a pure coincidence, but Alanna was sure somewhere out there the universe was laughing at its own tricks.
“What is so special about her?” Alanna questioned carefully, though she already knew the answer. “What isn’t?” he chuckled in his low husky voice “She’s the daughter of the great Ethan Hunt, one of the most influential men in the world, even though most of it isn’t aware of his existence. With her you can control him. With him you can control decisions made in places people like us rarely get to see” He crossed his massive arms over his chest as a grin spread on his face.
‘She’s also Ilsa’s daughter, you dumbass’ Alanna wanted to snarl but had to satisfy herself only with cursing him in her mind. “So, my payment?” he asked, Alanna had to stop herself from rolling her eyes ‘A big boy who wants his big bag of money’. As she fought the eye roll her gaze moved from Kage, unfortunately for her landing on the girl again.
She looked terrified, her big blue eyes running on the walls with panic so clear in them.
For a moment their eyes met.
‘I can’t just go on with the deal’ this thought was like another slap to her face.
She promised herself. All those years ago she promised herself that her stupide feelings wouldn’t get in the way of her work. Business comes first and then everything else. But as she stood in the dark and stuffy room, she couldn’t do anything else. ‘I have to get her out of here’ she mentally punched herself for being so weak. But there was nothing she could do with it. The decision was made. Now all that’s left was to act smart so no one would suspect a thing.
“I have your payment in my car, upstairs” she turned back to Kage “We should make the exchange”. “What about the real buyer? Shouldn’t he be here for this as well?” he raised a brow. Alanna squinted her eyes at him “Are you questioning my professionality here, Kage?” she asked, though by her tone it was a question that had only one right answer. “No- no of course not” he hurried to answer, Alanna had to stop herself from smirking ‘correct answer’. People tend to fear her almost like fire, though on the inside she was as cold as ice.
Of course the buyer had to be there, he wanted his loot, but Alanna knew that if she handed over the girl it would be bad. Not only for her but also for the world, Hunt and… Ilsa. So she lied, it wasn’t that hard.
“You hand it over and I will bring it to him personally” She clarified, leaving no room for further arguing. He nodded “So my bag of cash?”, “follow me” she responded and headed to the door.
Alanna was so happy once the stuffed room was left behind and they walked upstairs, especially she was happy to not be around that shattered pair of blue eyes. The sight of them kept hunting her all the way up the stairs. Then she realized they left the girl behind, alone, in that stuffed and dark basement room. That made her feel terrible. She absentmindedly peaked up her pace.
They reached the front door that got opened for her, then the car. With a slight flicker of her wrist Zola pulled the black suitcase from the trunk. Kage immediately reached out for it, but Zola held it firmly. “You don’t get the payment before it’s in my hands” Alanna said coldly. Kage groaned but nodded in defeat.
They got back inside and he ordered one of his men to go get the girl. They stood in silence until, two minutes later, the man was back. He led the girl toward them, roughly pushing her forward. The girl constantly stumbled over her feet, since her legs were still tied together, preventing her from a big range of movements. She even fell once but immediately scrambled back to her feet. Alanna felt the sudden urge to punch the guy leading her.
Once the girl was in front of Kage, he forcefully gripped her shoulder “My money” he growled. Alanna examined him for a second, she looked him up and down, her gaze warning. “Zola” she turned to her brother, tone calm “Please give Kage his money and take our loot”. Her brother nodded and approached Kage. With his right hand he offered him the suitcase, the left reached out for the girl. There was a moment when both men held both items but in the blink of an eye it was over.
Each side got what they came here for.
‘Now it’s time to leave’ Alanna thought as she watched Zola walk with the girl to her.
“Pleasure doing business with you” she said politely, not meaning a single word. Kage already opened the suitcase and was now looking at his money “You too Mitsopolis” he mumbled, not bothering to look up at her. Alanna took it as a great moment for them to leave and turned around, walking towards the door. “Oh, and hey!” he called out after them just as Zola reached for the door handle. Alanna turned around, her heartrate picking up ever so lightly. “If you ever need anyone else captured, give me a call” he winked at her as he made a phone shape with his hand. ‘Disgusting’ Alanna thought as she simply nodded, a second later they were already outside.
The first thing Alanna did after hearing the door close behind her back was look around, ‘nobody in sight’. The second thing she did was kneel next to the girl and remove the ropes from around her legs. “Alanna what the fuck are you doing?” Zola hissed quietly “What I see to be right” she answered simply. She then stood up and looked down at the girl. She stood frozen, probably too shocked by the whole situation. For a second Alanna was lost, encountering with kids wasn’t something she did, like ever. She awkwardly placed her hand on the girl’s head “Let’s go” she said, not really sure who she was addressing. Maybe Zola, or the girl or even herself.
They reached the car and Alanna opened the right door to the back seat “Could you please get in and take the seat on the far left?” she asked the girl. The next thing surprised her. The girl just did what she was asked to. She wasn’t sure but from what she heard about kids Alanna would’ve expected a scene to unfold in the parking lot, but there was nothing, just silence. Alanna entered after her and occupied the middle seat. To her great surprise Zola followed her inside. Usually, he took the front seat next to the driver but today he decided to flop in the seat to her right with a grumpy face, arms folded over his chest.
“Change of plans, Phineas” Alanna said, regarding the driver “Take us back to the mansion”. “Yes ma’am” came the immediate response and the car jolted to life.
“Alanna what are you doing?” she rolled her eyes ‘of course Zola will have to question everything’. “I told you already, I’m doing what I see to be right” she huffed at him “What kind of answer even is that?” he threw his hands in the air. “Why the sudden change of plans?” he kept questioning “Now tell me we aren’t even going to hand the girl over” he commented sarcastically with an eye roll. Then he saw the stern look on her face “You aren’t serious! what the hell is wrong with you today?”, “Nothing. I’m making the decisions here, and this is another one of the decisions I’m forced to take. Now stop questioning everything”. He rolled his eyes at his sister’s stubbornness “Fine, do whatever you want. But when he asks you where his bait is, you’ll be the one dealing with this. And don’t even try asking for help getting you out of that situation. Because I won’t”. She huffed “That’s fine with me”, “Fine with me too” he responded and turned his head to the window. ‘Just like the good old days’ she thought. Each time they fought like this Alanna felt like she was 7 again and they couldn’t share a toy.
She finally turned her head to look at the girl on her left. She was trying to get as far as possible from Alanna, pressing herself to the left car door. Then Alanna did something that was unexpected even to her. She reached out and carefully tangled her hand in the girl’s messy brown hair. ‘It has her father’s color’ she noted while gently stroking her head. It took the girl some time but eventually she relaxed into the touch. At some point she even scooted closer to Alanna, who absentmindedly started playing with her hair the way she used to play with Ilsa’s on those calm and sunny mornings. Back when it was just her, Alanna and the comfort of bed with no complications. The car was quiet, and she easily got lost in those thoughts.
When Alanna noticed what she was doing it was already halfway through the car ride. She looked over at Zola, who by this time looked less pissed off. He was like this, sometimes he didn’t understand what she was doing but eventually he accepted it. Then her gaze moved to the girl, who was now fully resting against Alanna’s side while she played with her hair. It took her a moment to realize the child was asleep. The poor kid leaning into any kind of comforting touch after being uncomfortable for so long. At first Alanna felt awkward about the whole thing but after she let her body relax, she realized it wasn’t that wired, maybe just a little bit.
They spent the rest of the car ride the same way. In silence. Alanna kept playing with the girl’s hair as she slept.
After the car stopped in front of their house Zola was the first one to get out. Alanna glanced down at the sleeping girl again, not sure how to handle the situation. ‘What was I thinking?’ she asked herself as she ran a hand along her face ‘I wasn’t thinking, I was just doing’ she answered her own question after a moment. ‘I should probably stop thinking now as well and just do, if I stop to think for too long I’ll realize what stupide thing I’m about to do’. And after that thought she shut off the logical part of her brain and decided to act instead. She picked up the sleeping girl and exited the car slowly, not to wake her up.
While walking to the mansion Zola was sending her looks, most she tried to avoid. At first there was surprise, then the frustration again, then curiosity, eventually he sighed in defeat and decided to go with whatever she was doing. After they got inside Alanna immediately headed to her room, not bothering to speak with anyone. Luckly, Zola didn’t follow her.
She entered and carefully placed the girl on her bed. Then she purred herself a glass of a nice red wine, grabbed her phone and stepped onto her balcony.
There, while standing on the balcony and leaning against the glass railing, Alanna made a few phone calls. All while slowly sipping from her glass of wine. The wine didn’t help her nerves but at least it tasted good. Only after she ended what she thought to be the final call her mind started catching up to what she did.
She just sent her a message.
Not straight from Alanna but by the way she’ll decipher it Ilsa will realize who’s behind it. They had their secret way to encrypt messages. It was a pattern they thought of together so long ago. Yet Alanna remembered it by heart, she was as fluent in it as she was in English or French or any other languages she knew. It hurt how easily she could dictate the series of characters on the phone. The mess of digits and letters in the right hands will mean exactly what she wants Ilsa to know.
Alanna took a deep breath and raised the glass once more to her lips, disappointed at the lack of taste. The glass was empty, the red liquid long gone. She sighed in frustration, ‘why does the wine has a habit of ending exactly when I need it?’ (let’s be honest hun, you always need it)
Before going back inside she decided to make a final phone call, not feeling like speaking face to face with anyone. She pressed a few buttons and Zola’s name appeared on the screen. She wasn’t left waiting for too long, “Alanna” came his voice through the speakers. “Zola, I will need you to get everyone out of the house”, “What?” she could almost hear the frown on his face. “Everybody out” she repeated “Your men, the drivers, the security, the chef. Everyone”. “Why? What’s wrong?” he asked, the edge of concern vivid in his tone “Nothing” she dismissed. “I need the house to be empty for a few hours”.
Alanna didn’t want any witnesses to what was about to happen. By the way she knew Ilsa, and Hunt, they would be at her doorstep very soon. They were probably already searching for their daughter and after receiving the message they’ll be on their way here. Alanna didn’t know what to expect from them so she decided to make it as civilized as possible, with no one else around. So it would be less threatening. She didn’t want anything from them, didn’t want to use the girl as bait like was originally planned. She wanted to return her to her parents. And maybe see Ilsa. Alanna wanted to see her again despite the pain she knew it’ll cause her. After seeing those blue eyes on the girl’s face, she just needed to see them again. But this time on the woman she loved.
“Fine” Zola’s sigh brought her back from her thoughts “And no one’s allowed back until I say so” she added firmly. “Whatever you want, and I’m rolling my eyes by the way” he informed her, then his voice became a quite mutter “What has gotten into you today?”. “I heard that” she snapped but didn’t get a response since the line went dead. She pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed one last time. Then turned around and returned into the room.
A sudden gush of wind caused the door to close louder than Alanna intended. She swiped her gaze over the bed, hoping the sound didn’t wake the girl, and continued towards the counter. There she placed her phone down and next to it the now empty glass of wine. She turned around and was met by a pair of big and curious blue eyes.
‘So, she woke up… What now?’ this would’ve been so much easier if the girl stayed asleep until her parents came. She slowly raised both hands to show them to the girl, trying to look least threatening, as much as was possible. “Hey” Alanna muttered awkwardly as she took a step forward “How are you?”. Silence. The girl just kept staring at her, so Alanna took a few more steps. “This is probably very weird for you, believe me, for me too” she hesitated for a moment ‘Jeez what is wrong with me. She’s a kid, she doesn’t need to know that I feel as awkward as her in this situation’. She took another step “But don’t worry, I sent a message to your parents. I believe they’ll be here very soon” she assured the kid. Alanna watched as her small body relaxed slightly at the news, hearing that her parents were coming for her must’ve been a relief.
Alanna took another step, only three more and she’ll be standing next to the bed. “You probably don’t know me, but I’m Alanna” she introduced herself, voice soft. “I’m…” the words died in her throat before she could speak them outload. She took a deep breath and tried again. “I’m an old friend of you mother’s” her voice varved on the last word. It physically hurt her to say it out loud. Ilsa was so much more than an old friend, she meant so much more. But the kid doesn’t need the burden of Alanna’s feelings. Nobody deserved to suffer from them except for Alanna. It was her fault she fell for Ilsa and she’ll suffer the consequences on her own.
She reached the bed “Can I sit here?” she pointed to the edge of the bed, the girl nodded. It was the first reaction Alanna got from her. It wasn’t much but it was something and it definitely made Alanna feel better. If the girl nods it’ll make this silent communication much easier on her. “Thanks” she responded with a small smile and set down “Does anything hurt? Are you alright?” she wasn’t sure where those questions came from, but she just had to make sure. The girl thought it over for a moment then shook her head slightly. Alanna frowned “What’s wrong?” she asked immediately. The girl then extended her hands forward and showed Alanna her red wrists, the rope marks still visible on them. Alanna’s mind immediately started racing, what can she do with that information?
“Do you want to put ice on it? Maybe it’ll help” she suggested the first idea that came to her mind, but the girl shook her head again. “It will get better with time” she tried to calm her “And just so you know, Kage was a very bad boy for doing this to you. And bad boys should get punished. I will personally make sure he gets what he deserves, okay?” she asked with a slight smirk. She hoped to get more reaction from the girl, but the response was another nod. And Alanna started thinking of ways to lighten up the girl’s mood, hopefully even get her to talk. ‘She’s around four, right? Kids this age should already be talking’.
Then a nice idea came to her mind, “How did you sleep? Was it good?” another nod. “The bed is so soft right? Like sleeping on a cloud” she continued and got another nod, slightly more enthusiastic. “You know what else is great in this bed?” (“You’re mom”, XD I’m sorry I had to) she asked, the girl thought about it, then shook her head. “it’s bouncy, you can jump on it” Alanna immediately saw the shift in her eyes as the idea was suggested. What kid doesn’t like jumping on the bed?
“Come on, try it out” Alanna encouraged “it’s fun. And I’m speaking from experience” she winked playfully. Finally, the girl stood up and started carefully bouncing “Don’t worry, you won’t fall. I’ll catch you”. The confidence with which she spoke surprised even Alanna but very quickly she was too occupied with watching how the girl jumped up and down. The smile slowly rose to her face with each jump.
A few good minutes later she got tired and flopped down on the bed, a huge smile on her adorable face. Alanna mirrored her smile “See I told you” She pointed out. “So much fun” as she spoke the word fun she let her index finger boop the girl’s tiny nose, the gesture making the kid giggle. That was the purest sound Alanna had ever heard. The moment it was over she wanted to hear it again.
“Are you tired, maybe you want to go back to sleep?” Alanna tried, then watched with disappointment how the girl shook her head. The next thing that happened surprised her, “Not tired” the girl answered. Alanna was so taken back by the fact that she felt comfortable enough to speak that she didn’t even care for the next words that left her mouth “That’s alright, we can do something else. Something fun! How about I show you around the house? Or we can go to the kitchen and make some pancakes? With chocolate, I’m sure you love chocolate” the girl’s eyes light up at the mention of chocolate. Her smile grew and she nodded enthusiastically.
Alanna herself enjoyed the idea of something sweet as well and was glad to see the kid on bored with the idea. “But mama says it’s bad to eat too many sweets” the girl pointed out innocently. ‘Ilsa, always ruining all the fun’ she almost rolled her eyes but decided against the snarky remarks in front of the kid. “Your mother is right of course. However, right now I think we can allow ourselves something sweet. I’ve had a stressful morning, and you’ve been a very brave girl, so I say we deserve something to make us a little bit happier” she justified. Alanna had to smile as she watched the kid seriously think her words over, finally she nodded “You are right, it will be better after pancakes”. “Great, so let’s go. The pancakes won’t make themselves” Alanna said and stood up. ‘Actually, if I hadn’t dismissed all the staff along with the chef they probably could’ve been made by now’ she thought to herself ‘but it’s better for the house to be empty’. The girl scrambled off the bed as well and stood next to Alanna. She looked up at her with those big and pure eyes “Hand?” she asked as she offered Alanna her right hand.
If until now Alanna thought the kid was adorable, which she didn’t, now she was melting. It took her a second to collect herself back together and nod “Sure” she carefully took her little hand and started leading her out of the room.
While they walked down the staircase the girl suddenly decided to start talking again “Is this your house?” her small voice echoed in the grand space, “Why yes, it is”, “It’s pretty” she complimented. Alanna chuckled softly “Thank you very much”. The next question took her off guard “Why did you have a stressful morning?”. Alanna glanced down at the kid, her eyes were on the floor, making sure to take each step so she wouldn’t trip and fall down. “I just have a lot of work and… I really miss someone so it’s hard sometimes” she confessed. “You should tell them how you feel” the kid pointed out bluntly, as if it was the easiest thing to do. “Maybe” Alanna answered skeptically “But I fear it’s too late for me”. The girl shook her head “It’s never too late” (I'm just saying that if the kid will give a “my mother and father example” I’ll push her off the stairs XD so she should be careful because I have the powers to do so). They reached the bottom of the stairs and Alanna led them into the kitchen.
30 minutes later she rested against the counter. A pile of pancakes on a plate to her left and a satisfied kid sitting on the counter with a pancake in hands to her right. “How is it? Any good?” she asked and the girl immediately started nodding furiously “Not too much sugar I hope?” Alanna joked. That made the girl switch to shaking her head. Alanna grabbed one to herself and took a bite. ‘Not too bad, considering the fact that I haven’t made those in ages’ she thought as the memories of quiet Saturday mornings when she was a teenager filled her mind. Her mother or father, sometimes both, were surely out of the house for some business. She would wake up wanting something sweet and there was no one in the house to stop her. Zola would wake up an hour or two later, enter the kitchen, see the pancakes and immediately grab himself a plate as well. All while trying to mess her hair and saying, “Good job sis, finally you’re useful for something”. You can guess Zola was a very frustrating teenager.
“You have a beautiful smile” her childish voice brought Alanna back to the present, it took her a moment to wrap her head over the compliment “Thank you”. ‘I should probably say something back, to seem friendly’, “I love your eyes” she mentally punched herself. ‘Not that friendly. Thank you for the straightforwardness, Alanna… But I really do love her eyes’. “Thank you very much” the girl said slowly, clearly practicing her manners.
After eating some pancakes, Alanna also made sure to save some for Zola despite still being slightly irritated with him, they somehow ended up in her living room. They sat on the big white sofa. The girl, feeling much more comfortable now, bubbling about everything and nothing. And Alanna listening to her unstoppable chatter while carefully braiding her hair. She was asked to do it of course. She would’ve never suggested such thing herself.
The girl was now talking about her preschool, telling Alanna about all her friends. Suddenly she stopped, a few seconds later a question followed “Can I call you Aunty Alanna?”. Alanna froze, and for a moment she wasn’t sure if she heard the girl right. “Can you be my aunt?” She asked again as Alanna just stared at her with confusion. “It’s not how this works” she started explaining “To be your aunt I have to be the sister of your father or your mother”. ‘I’m far from being Hunt’s sibling, even further from being Ilsa’s… The things that we did together are not sibling like’ she almost started smirking from the memories. “But I want you to be my aunt, you’re so cool” The girl repeated “Pleeeeease”. Alanna was about to protest again but then her eyes met those big pleading pair of blue eyes. ‘I can’t say no to those eyes’ that was a problem she faced a long time ago, with Ilsa. And now, sitting in front of her daughter she still couldn’t deny those eyes. “Sure, if that’s what you want” Alanna shrugged eventually, the girl immediately started beaming. “Yayyyy, now I have an aunt like all my friends in preschool” she exclaimed happily “And my aunt is the coolest of them all” her voice laced with determination. Alanna chuckled at her exaggerated reaction.
Then she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. She pulled it out and read the last notification.
Security alert.
Somebody had made his way onto her property and was detected by security cameras. She glanced at the picture that was attached to the notification. Two figures, a man and a woman, with what looked like guns in their hand. ‘Seems like Faust and Hunt are here’ she thought as she shoved her phone back in her pocket. “Who was that?” the girl asked curiously “I’m guessing it’s your parents, they’re here to pick you up”. The moment she heard those words she jumped to her feet “Let’s go meet them, please, please, please” the girl plead, ready to run straight to the door. Alanna nodded and stood up as well. Next thing she knows a little hand clutched her fingers and she’s being led out of the leaving room. As they walked to the entrance hall the girl was practically bouncing up and down with excitement. Alanna stopped once they were a few feet away from the door, the girl immediately turned to face her.
Only then as she stood in front of the door Alanna was starting to realize what’s about to happen. ‘She’ll walk through that door’ after not seeing Ilsa for all this time she’ll just show up at her doorstep in search of her child. Alanna felt a lump starting to form in her throat. Then that feeling crept its way in, like that lump was preventing her from breathing. Each time she inhaled, the air went in just fine, she didn’t choke on it or anything but that feeling was there, heavy on her chest. “Don’t worry I’ll finish the story about Sophie next time” the girl suddenly assured Alanna. Her eyes snapped to meet those beautiful blue eyes. It was her pair of eyes but somehow, they still managed to ground Alanna in the moment. That feeling wasn’t gone but it was now just like a background sound. It was dull in comparison to those breathtaking eyes looking at her with all that innocence and hope.
There won’t be a next time, Alanna knew there won’t. But she didn’t want that shining smile to go anywhere so she simply nodded “Sure, I’ll be expecting to hear what happened after her toy disappeared” it surprised her that she listened. But she did and it made the girl’s eyes shine, so it was worth every moment.
Then she heard the door open and those big blue eyes moved to look at it, leaving her gasping for air once more, unfortunately without the ability to really choke. (ouch, this one physically hurts me)
Unlike the girl, Alanna didn’t move her gaze, instead she fixed it on the child at her side. She couldn’t look. She knew she’d have to eventually, but she was postponing it as much as she could.
That moment Alanna regrated her actions. She didn’t want to see her. ‘Why would I even do this?’ she could’ve just left the girl somewhere safe and send them the location. She shouldn’t have brought them all the way here, into her house. It would’ve been less painful. She could’ve just kept ignoring the situation and her feelings like she’s been doing for the past 5 years. But no, she had to bring all of this on herself, had to cause herself more pain. As if she wasn’t in enough pain already.
“Lily” her familiar voice echoed in the big space, the girl immediately surged forward “Mommy”. As the girl ran to her parents Alanna was left staring at the empty spot next to her. The tears started pulling at her eyes. But she refused to let them spill. “Lily, thank god” Ethan’s voice followed. Then the sound of the girl’s steps against the polished floor stopped “We worried so much” Ilsa’s voice was slightly muffed “Yes, a lot! And we missed you munchkin” Ethan supported.
Alanna let her thoughts wander for a moment, not yet ready to face the scene unfolding in front of her. That moment made her realize she just heard the girl’s name for the first time, ‘Lily… That’s a beautiful name… Her mother sure has great taste’. “I missed you too” the girl’s voice peeped, tearing Alanna away from the comfort of her thoughts. She took a breath, then another. Finally, she everted her gaze from the empty slot next to her and forced her eyes to focus on the family reunion happening in front of her.
Ilsa was on her knees, clutching the girl to her while she hung on her neck. Ethan was set next to them, one arm over the girl and the other around Ilsa, as he pressed countless kisses to Lily’s head. It was an adorable reunion moment. And it hurt like fucking hell.
As Alanna’s gaze focused on Ilsa she couldn’t help but admire her. For a moment she was stunned, as usual. But after that moment passed, she felt that tugging feeling in her eyes as her vision blurred slightly. ‘No, I’m not going to cry because of her. Not again’ she fought against it as she forcefully clutched her hands into fists. Maybe the physical pain can distract her from everything that was going on inside of her. But as she kept looking at Ilsa, not able to tear her gaze away, she felt the pain only increase. The little damage her nails could’ve done to her palms didn’t matter anymore. The only thing she could focus on was how painful it was to be in the same space as her again.
She got to the point where she was sure it couldn’t get worse. Then it got worse. Ilsa opened her eyes and her gaze moved up, meeting Alanna’s. Alanna bit down on her lower lips to prevent a sob from escaping. She can’t break apart, not in front of Ilsa. Not after being the one who ended everything and pushed her away. Ilsa’s eyes lingered on her. Alanna wasn’t sure if she could see straight through her mask or she was lost in memories as well. But as she looked at her Alanna felt as if for a moment time stopped. There was nothing at all in the world, no meaning to anything around them. It was just them in that moment. Alanna felt herself drowning in those blue eyes, the same way she did so many times before.
Then someone next to Ilsa shifted and she moved her gaze away. Alanna was left drowning in a sea that was no longer there. She felt like her head was underwater, but it’s pitch black, not blue anymore. She was sinking but there was no more water around to drown her, only darkness. Still, cold and empty darkness.
“We should probably go” she barely heard Ethan through the haze, but unfortunately his voice did manage to make its way in. They will be leaving soon and Alanna will be left to all of this emptiness to consume her. Completely alone, with no one to pull her out.
She blinked a few times quickly. Pushing the tears away, hopeful to shove all those feelings away with them as far as was humanly possible. She focused her eyes back on the three people in her entrance hall. Ethan stood up, Ilsa took another moment to bury her nose in the girl’s hair, then she stood up as well. Ethan easily picked the girl up “You ready to go home sunshine?” Ilsa asked the girl with ‘that goddamn beautiful smile’.
Why did it hurt so much?
Ilsa saying the word home felt like somebody stabbed Alanna in the back and then kept twisting the blade. Somewhere deep within her it felt like she was the one twisting it.
“Yes, I want to get back to all my toys” the girl spoke excitedly, causing both her parents to chuckle “Sure you do” Ethan muttered. Then she turned her gaze from her father to Alanna, who was still standing on the other side of the room. “But I don’t want to leave you here alone” she said addressing Alanna, that surprised all the grownups in the room. Alanna gulped down as she shook her head “Go” her voice was a broken whisper, so quite none of them probably heard it. ‘Pull yourself together, you’re pathetic’ she scolded herself. “Go” she forced her voice to be louder, finally sounding a little more like herself, “I’ll be fine here”. She was lying to her face again. But what could Alanna do? That’s who she was, a liar, a cheat.
After Lily talked to her, the pair finally acknowledged Alanna’s presence with more than a look her way. “Thank you for this Alanna” Ethan said, his face becoming more serious “We owe you for saving our girl”. God how she hated how perfect he was. “Yes, thank you, Alanna” Ilsa’s voice was quieter and it wavered as she spoke her name. ‘I love how she says my name’ the burning in her eyes was back, along with the unshed tears ‘I love how each syllable rolls off her tongue’. The thoughts kept running in circles as she couldn’t tare her eyes away from the woman ‘I love her voice. I love the way she speaks’. That lingering pain in her throat was back, not that it ever left. This time she forced her eyes to stay open, no matter how much it hurt. Because if she’ll close them just for a moment the tears would spill, hot against her skin.
‘I love her’
That thought was the loudest, eventually all the others were mare whispers in comparison to it. ‘I love her so much. I wish I got to tell her this back when it was just me and her in this big cruel world’. Those three words set heavily on her, they followed her everywhere she went those past 5 god damn years. Every deal, every meeting, every flight, every house, every lovely restaurant or peaceful beach. Everywhere. She couldn’t shake them off, no matter how hard she tried. It was always those three words.
From the corner of her eye she could see Ethan turning around to leave, he got closer to the door. But she didn’t care about him. All she cared about was the brunet woman that stood rooted in place, not moving her eyes from Alanna. And as those thoughts filled her mind and clouded her commonsense Alanna spoke up.
She said those three words.
She said them because they were pressing on her. She said them because she needed to get it out of her system, out of her head. She said it because she could’ve never lived with herself knowing that she never said it out loud. She said it not in hope of changing anything but in hope of making it easier for her.
But it didn’t.
“I love you” Alanna whispered, her voice quiet and broken. For a moment she hoped no one would hear it. Hoped that no one heard the vulnerability in her voice, no one heard how broken she truly was. But by the look in Ilsa’s eyes she knew her broken whisper reached her ears.
“I loved you” Ilsa’s whispered back.
No, she didn’t feel better.
Not after saying it and not after hearing Ilsa’s answer.
‘I loved you’ Ilsa’s words echoed in her mind, hitting every wall and coming back at her in full force. She loved her. She loved her and Alanna let her go. She felt like the stupidest full and worse. She felt like with those three words Ilsa stole all the air she was fighting so hard to keep in herself. She felt like somebody removed her heart from her body then squeezed it, but she could still feel the pain. It was everywhere, no longer satisfied with taking over her chest. Now it was in all her body, shaking her from the inside. Trying to break her apart. Trying and succeeding.
(“So if you want to break my cold, cold heart
Say you loved me” Taylor said it just right…)
"Ilsa" Ethan called for her from his spot next to the door. It took her a moment, Alanna could see how she hesitated, but she turned to him. “Yes, let’s go” without seeing her face Alanna could see the fake smile on her lips, she could hear it in her voice. Then she made her way to Ethan. Each step away was like another dagger to Alanna’s back. But she didn’t care anymore, she already felt the worst pain. She’s already at her lowest. The daggers were almost tickling her.
Ilsa reached the door, placed a kiss to Lily’s cheek and took Ethan’s hand in hers “Let’s go home” she repeated. Little did she know her words broke Alanna even further. There was nothing left to break but somehow Ilsa managed to do it. She managed to make it worse for Alanna after she thought it couldn’t get worse. That feeling was unbearable. Alanna wanted to crawl her way out of her skin and curl into a tiny ball in the corner. And stay there. Until the pain is gone. Or forever.
Ethan opened the door and as he stepped outside Lily gave Alanna one last look over his shoulder, followed by a wave of her little hand. Ilsa stepped outside after her.
And just like that she was gone. The moment the doors closed after them a broken sob tore from deep withing Alanna's throat, and she shuttered. Like broken glass she shuttered to the floor. All those pieces she fought so hard to keep together couldn't hold their form anymore and she broke down. She felt the pain as her knees hit the marble floor, but it was nothing compared to the pain in her chest. The physical pain was barely there, dimmed by the pain Ilsa left behind.
She sobbed on the floor. At least what was left of her. Now only a ghost of the powerful woman she once was.
‘Was it even worth it?’ she couldn’t help but question herself ‘If I could only go back… Go back and tell myself…’ But she couldn’t finish that thought. She could lie to many people but not to herself. If she said she would’ve preferred to not arrange that first meeting with Ilsa, or to never learn about her in the first place, that would’ve been a lie. She would do anything for a time spent with Ilsa, the woman she loved. She would give anything for one second, she knew it. And if those few months they shared will cost her in pain for the rest of her life, then that is the price she will pay. Because Alanna blindly walked into this deal. She didn’t know what she was giving and what she would get in return. For the first time The White Widow didn’t thought a deal over, she just went with it. And love had a high cost. That she learnt the hard way.
And now every kiss, every laugh, every smile they shared will cost her another tear that’ll be shed on the floor or sob that’ll echo against the walls in the silence around her.