Chapter Text
Yoonchae wasn’t sure when she had fallen asleep, just that she wasn’t fully awake.
She flipped over onto her side, staring at Sophia’s bed across the room. The twinkle lights Sophia usually needed to go to sleep weren’t on. Sophia was also sleeping on her stomach—she didn’t do that unless she had period cramps. Only one of those things were likely.
Something was off. Yoonchae swore she’d seen the twinkle lights on earlier. It sort of made sense for Sophia to be close to her cycle, but she still needed those lights.
Yoonchae felt the hairs on her arms stand up. She slowly sat up and checked the time on her phone. There was maybe three hours until her six o’clock alarm.
The sheets tangled in her legs started to feel like a trap, like she was being tied down. A sinking feeling in her chest told her someone was watching her.
She spared another glance at fast-asleep Sophia.
Yoonchae’s breath hitched. She gripped the comforter tightly, slowly turning her head to look at the other corner of the room.
Someone was corrected to something.
It was lanky and tall, lingering beside Yoonchae’s desk. The entire figure was built of a shadow, yet somehow having glinting eyes stalking Yoonchae’s rapid breathing.
Yoonchae watched its claws flex, watched its legs start to move in her direction. She gasped for air, shifting until her back was pressed fully to the headboard.
The shadow hissed slightly, extending its looming arms over its head, casting a version of itself in miniature over the foot of Yoonchae’s bed.
“Sophia! Sophia!” Yoonchae cried, well aware of how her voice was raised in pitch.
Sophia didn’t stir. Yoonchae’s panic was at its peak, tears streaming down her face. The shadow had already taken Sophia—dark claws sinking into her chest and pulling out her heart.
Yoonchae sobbed. The glinting eyes softened slightly to the yellow of the shut-off twinkle lights. It gave Yoonchae just the flicker of hope that this was some kind of sick dream—because how could monsters be real?—before its face set into a gaping mouth a couple inches from her face.
She made a desperate move to the side, rolling off the side of her bed. Its claws gripped onto the base of her thigh and held it stuck to the bed while she thrashed halfway on the floor.
Sophia was still unmoving in her bed, dark hair softly spread across her pillow.
Yoonchae twisted on her back and kicked at the shadow, crawling backwards on her elbows until she was free.
She could hardly see straight, vision cloudy with hysteria. She needed to get out. It was going to hurt her—it already hurt Sophia. Her feet gained purchase on the carpet and she collapsed face first into the door.
Yoonchae ripped it open, sprinting down the hallway with a hiss following her every movement. The shadow followed her at an agonizingly slow pace. It swayed as it moved, leaving darkness in its wake.
She found Megan and Lara’s room first, twisting the door handle open and tripping over the threshold.
“Megan! Megan, wake up!” Yoonchae yelled into the darkness.
Both girls shot up in their beds, taking in the sight of the youngest member and her long limbs tangled up in their doorway.
“Yoonchae? What’s going on?” Megan was out of bed first, rushing to Yoonchae with her hair still tangled and one eye shut with sleep.
“It’s here! It grabbed me!” Yoonchae gasped. Her fingers buried themselves in Megan’s shirt, desperately pulling her down until Megan braced her arms on Yoonchae’s shoulders. “It got Sophia! It got Sophia!”
Megan’s eyes widened.
Lara was beside them now, glasses on and phone screen illuminating the room. “Slow down. Are you hurt? Is Sophia hurt?”
“It—“ Yoonchae choked on her own spit, breaking into a sob. “Sophia.”
Megan and Lara exchanged a look. Lara got up and clicked on her phone flashlight.
“Wait, Lara, don’t,” Megan said meekly. She felt like a little kid still scared of the dark when her brother would complain about monsters lurking under beds.
“I need to check on Sophia. You stay here, okay?”
Yoonchae dropped her head, chest seizing with every breath.
Another set of feet were moving down the hallway. Manon and Daniela had both of their phone flashlights on, staring curiously at the events unfolding in the doorway.
“Holy—“ Manon started.
“What’s going on? Is everybody okay?” Dani cut in, looking at Lara.
“One of you come with me—we need to find Sophia. I’ll explain after, okay?” Lara said hastily. Manon followed her without protest.
Dani kneeled beside Yoonchae and Megan, helping get the younger girl sitting up against the space of wall beside the door.
Yoonchae couldn’t catch her breath, eyes frantically searching the space beyond the other girls. The hoodie hanging over the back of Lara’s chair, the lamp on the nightstand, it all threatened to transform into a shadowy beast with glittering eyes.
“Yoonchae, come on, come back,” Megan begged, panic swelling in her own chest.
“In and out. You got this,” Dani added.
Megan pressed a hand to Yoonchae’s heart with one hand and pressed the younger girl’s to her own with the other. She was pretty sure Dani was thinking the same thing—if Yoonchae couldn’t breathe right, she might pass out for the second time in a week.
“Breathe with me. It’s not here anymore—Lara and Manon are going to get Sophia. You’re safe here. I won’t let it get you, okay?” Megan said, intertwining her free hand with Yoonchae’s.
Dani watched nervously, instinctively biting at the corner of her acrylics. It? Was there someone in the house?
She pulled out her phone and had the starting of 911 dialed just incase. Suddenly, she wished she’d gone instead of Manon and Lara.
Yoonchae tried to focus on the sensation of Megan’s hands, dropping her gaze back to Megan’s worried brown eyes. She inhaled and held her breath, hoping it would naturally force her back to normal.
Megan pressed softly against her chest. “Breathe. You’re doing great.”
Yoonchae spluttered. She did what she was told, the increase in oxygen amplifying the heat on her cheeks and wetness streaking down her face.
Manon and Lara reentered the room, dragging a very freaked-out Sophia. Dani thought she looked exactly how Dani felt.
Sophia fell to her knees with a thud, wrapping Yoonchae into a tight embrace on her lap. One hand came up to cradle the back of her head, Yoonchae clinging so hard to Sophia that there would probably be crescent moons along her back.
“Sophia,” Yoonchae choked.
Dani let her hand fall to Megan’s, who was fighting back her own tears and forcing herself not to succumb to erratic breathing.
Sophia shushed her quietly. “I’m okay. I’m right here with you.”
Yoonchae fell into silent crying, which terrified all of the girls more than when she’d come bearing the threat of her and Sophia being hurt.
“I thought you were gone. I was screaming—and you—I didn’t see you move—“
“I know, I know, baby. I’m sorry,” Sophia whispered, voice cracking.
Lara was pacing back and forth, flashlight flickering over the leader and maknae together until she paused.
“Megan,” Lara said quietly, aiming the light on Yoonchae’s thigh, where her shorts had ridden up.
Megan followed her gaze but sat unmoving. Manon slid down instead, slowly reaching for the ring of red and patch of blueish skin.
“It’s Manon, Yoonchip. I’m just going to touch a little, okay?”
Yoonchae didn’t answer, nose pressed to the warm skin of Sophia’s neck. Manon’s thumb gently traced the swelling—Yoonchae hummed.
“It feels weird,” she murmured, voice hoarse. “I told you, it grabbed me.”
Dani rubbed a circle into the back of Megan’s hand when she felt her breath hitch.
Sophia continued to trace her fingers up and down Yoonchae’s spine until she slackened.
Lara crossed her arms, finally sitting down beside Manon behind Yoonchae. “I think it’s from the sheets. They were pulled off the bed but stuck on the corner.”
Megan wiped under her eyes urgently. “Guess I can cancel my alarm.”
Manon sighed, watching Sophia intently. The crease in her eyebrows, how her lips were pressed into a thin line as she chewed her bottom lip.
“I don’t know why I didn’t wake up,” Sophia croaked, closing her eyes and resting her chin more firmly on Yoonchae’s shoulder.
Dani took her free hand and placed it on Sophia’s back. “It’s not your fault, Soph. Nobody knew she would have nightmares like this.”
Lara nodded. “You’re a heavy sleeper.”
Sophia reached one hand out blindly and Manon took it.
“When I first started taking Lexapro, I had some weird dreams,” Megan said quietly. Dani pulled her closer to her chest.
“It’s okay if you were scared, Meg,” Lara offered gingerly, prodding Megan’s thigh with a socked foot.
Megan stared at Yoonchae, safe in Sophia’s arms.
“We were all scared,” Manon added.
Megan nodded slightly, taking in the scent of Dani’s shampoo twirled with the laundry detergent.
“What do we do now?” the older girl asked, voice vibrating Megan’s cheek.
“Sleepover in our room,” Lara suggested, though it was very much a statement.
“I’ll grab blankets. Manon likes our room to be negative four degrees, so,” Dani deadpanned. Megan sat up and sat crisscross.
Manon made a face. “Sorry I don’t like sweating in my sleep.”
Lara scoffed, pulling herself off the wall and standing up to click on the lava lamp her sister bought her for her birthday right before Dream Academy. Rhea would be giddy that it might finally go to good use.
“She can sleep in my bed,” Megan told Sophia while Manon helped Lara search for pillows and stuffed animals to substitute for some.
Sophia hummed softly, shifting so Yoonchae’s arms were wrapped over her shoulders. The taller girl didn’t stir, completely limp in Sophia’s arms—she was smaller now, more vulnerable, which very much made Sophia want to sob.
She lifted both of their weights, it looking slightly awkward and uncomfortable, but Sophia now braced her arms under Yoonchae’s thighs and carried her like a baby to Megan’s bed.
Megan pulled back the covers and watched Sophia tuck Yoonchae in. Both of their faces were still flush with the aftermath of crying, grimaced plastered on.
“Do you want to lay with her?” Sophia brushed Megan’s arm.
Megan opened her mouth, then closed it. Selfishly, she wanted nothing more to burrow into Yoonchae’s side and kiss her on the forehead until she forgot all about whatever had chased her down. But Yoonchae didn’t need her right now.
“No. She needs you,” Megan confessed.
Sophia’s eyes softened, expression practically crumbling into mush. She carefully stroked Megan’s cheek with her knuckles.
Dani returned stumbling through the doorway, blankets piled up so high she couldn’t see where she was stepping. Manon yanked the one with Jacob’s and Edward’s from Twilight faces off the top and cradled it to her chest. Daniela snickered.
Manon tugged Megan down to a spot beside her. Dani and Lara collapsed in tandem, dishing out dramatic goodnights and snuggling into two stuffed dinosaurs who nobody was quite sure belonged to anymore.
“You can talk now,” Manon whispered towards the ceiling.
Megan glanced at her quizzically, also staring at the popcorn texture.
“They’re asleep,” she clarified like it was nothing. “What’s going on?”
Megan chewed the inside of her cheek. “I don’t think her body would fight her like that.”
Now it was Manon’s turn to be confused.
“I mean, if she was so tired, wouldn’t she just be able to get knocked out like normal?” Megan sighed, covering her eyes with her palms. “She should’ve gotten more time off.”
“You think something else is going on?” Manon asked.
Megan shrugged then realized Manon probably didn’t see it. “I don’t know. I’m just saying something’s different.”
“Are you sure it’s just not your feelings that are different?”
“Yes, I’m sure,” Megan shot back. “This is me being a good friend.”
Manon turned her face to look at Megan. “Mm. Remember what that feels like, okay? Before you try anything. She’d be really hurt if it goes wrong, Megan.”
Megan rolled onto her stomach, propping herself up. “Woah. Is this you telling me I’d better not hurt her, or else?”
Manon reached up to flick Megan’s arm. “And what if it was?”
Megan snorted, dropping down and hugging her bear closer. “I’d tell you that I’m not interested in hurting her.”
***
Yoonchae still had a couple energy drinks left. Her stash hadn’t been totally wiped—Sophia was nosy, but even she had limits.
And if she was being totally honest, she felt like fainting on that stage was just the beginning.
Eyekons online were losing their minds. Yoonchae had seen about three angles of her collapsing onto Megan just before they were out of view and maybe seventeen different analyses of her expressions and body language through the entire setlist. People even pulled up old interviews and other clips where Yoonchae had admitted to only getting a couple hours of sleep.
The comments were out of control.
Yoonchae had just finished reading another round. The mandated psychiatrist they had in Dream Academy would be so disappointed.
She tucked her face into the collar of her shirt. Lara was talking somewhere behind her with the other girls, but Sophia had not stopped clinging to Yoonchae since her nightmare two nights ago.
Yoonchae hasn’t taken another pill after that. They were supposed to help her get quality sleep or whatever, given secretly and not totally legitimately by their trainer, but seemed to include a side effect where a shadow would seep out of the wall and attack her.
They should list that on the bottle somewhere.
So she’d been opting not to take them. Which of course meant getting smoke from her staff. A new psychiatrist and nutritionist had been added recently—though Yoonchae was pretty sure all they needed to do was keep the girls away from objects sharper than acrylic nails and make sure they appeared to be underweight-skinny but actually being athletically-skinny.
Those two were juxtapositions. She looked it up. It wasn’t possible to be both.
Yoonchae had been meeting a lot of those lately and she hadn’t even learned how to say the word yet.
She couldn’t get eight hours of sleep a night and fit fourteen hour rehearsals in if she wanted to perform other required bodily functions. She couldn’t be the good Korean daughter and be a successful Korean daughter at the same time. She couldn’t keep up her image with the Eyekons and be honest about her state of mind.
Speaking of, management had very much put a leash on Manon and Sophia.
Manon had really tried to stick up for Yoonchae, Sophia backing her up every step of the way. Yoonchae suspected that’s how a psychiatrist made his way onto the payroll in the first place.
For the nutritionist, Yoonchae had other thoughts.
Megan’s supposedly-secret Pinterest account had been saving lots of questionable Pins lately. Her TikTok account was worse—entire FYP’s worth of self-depreciating clips or ones cut to catchy beats encouraging starving or that nothing tastes better than looking good. Yoonchae had stared at one with “Hate Yourself” playing in the background for ten minutes and drained half her battery before she moved on.
If Manon had seen those or not was a mystery, but Sophia was always watching and Manon was always watching her.
Yoonchae hadn’t seen Megan act—or not act—on it. Whenever Yoonchae seemed to be eating, Megan did too.
So she didn’t press. She shouldn’t, right?
Instead, she went to Lara.
“When you repost something, do you mean it?” she had asked, twirling her straw in her Shirley temple she hadn’t really wanted.
Lara, probably immune to strange questions ever since the gas station, shrugged. “You mean on my secrets? Sometimes. Sometimes I just use it to vent.”
“Vent. So just… exaggerating?”
Lara had put down her drink to study Yoonchae’s expression for what this was really about. “In a way. It can just make someone feel seen.”
Yoonchae took that to heart. She was trying hard to see Megan.
Right now, she was chugging half her water bottle while squatted on the ground beside Dani. Lara was still animatedly telling a story about her experience in Water Country.
Sophia shifted beside Yoonchae, dropping into a side lunge.
Yoonchae looked up from her phone, haphazardly tossing it back toward her bag. Manon was talking with Missy by the mirror.
It clicked to Yoonchae then that Missy should be doing other coach-y or management-y things, not dropping in on choreography.
Manon looked uncomfortable, fingers twirled in the loose ends of her braids and lips pressed into a thin line. Her shoulders were somewhat slumped forward, most of her weight leaned to the right.
Yoonchae watched Missy wave her hands around. They were close enough to hear the outline of words, far enough for it to be an angry jumble of nonsense.
Missy took a step toward Manon, kicking over her water bottle and sending it skittering until it collided with the mirror. The clank of the metal echoed and pulled the attention of the other members toward the echo.
Manon stared at the ground. Yoonchae noticed Dani crowd in between Sophia and her, hands on her hips and a light scowl pressed to her face. Missy was wearing a similar expression, fingers pressed to her nose bridge.
“Positions in a minute. Take one last sip of water,” Sohey announced, clapping once. Grant was standing nearby, awkwardly watching Missy shoot for the door.
Manon picking up her knocked-over bottle was the cherry on top for Yoonchae.
Sophia took a couple steps in her direction, but Manon waved her off. Her fingers picked at the Beyoncé sticker plastered across the metal absentmindedly.
Yoonchae tugged her shirt down for the millionth time, returning to her place in front of the mirror.
Megan and Lara came up beside her, still eyeing Manon. Dani hadn’t left where she was standing. Grant had to physically put a hand on her shoulder before she returned to the floor.
Yoonchae swallowed the mess of feelings bubbling up in her throat. She observed herself in the reflection, but the images of her falling, of her drooping eyes on stage, kept replacing the version of her present at rehearsal despite having a medical emergency one week ago.
She needed to focus. And just when she thought she finally had it, Manon was stepping out of formation—kneeling on the ground, palms braced beside her.
Sophia didn’t hesitate, there with a hand on her back in an instant.
The air around Yoonchae whooshed as the other girls joined her, then Grant and Sohey, pulsing best of “Gnarly” stopped only a couple bars in.
Yoonchae wanted to go forward but her feet were stuck. The possibilities what Missy could’ve said to make Manon break down hour ten into rehearsal held onto her ankles like cement.
***
Individual meetings to talk about scheduling broke up rehearsal the next day. Something must have happened during one of them, because they were sent home without fanfare before Yoonchae and Dani had gone.
All six of them were sprawled out in the living room. Lara and Dani were on the couch, sharing a blanket, Sophia eventually joining them and pillowing her head against Daniela’s curled up legs. Yoonchae was lying face-up beside Megan on the floor.
Manon was by herself on the ugly pink beanbag she was insistent the house needed. She was wearing Lara’s thick black sunglasses and donned in one of Sophia’s largest hoodies.
The Lion King was playing on the TV; nobody was watching it. Dishes of pasta littered the coffee table.
Yoonchae let Megan fiddle with the drawstrings of her sweatpants mindlessly. One of her hands was so close to Yoonchae that the warmth reminded her of a particular night half-unconscious in a hotel room Yoonchae hadn’t processed yet.
Megan had been patient. More clingy, yes, but also patient. She understood that Yoonchae probably needed a week to attempt at a measly twenty-eight hours of sleep.
Actually, Megan looked half on the verge of tears—normally, she would already be crying on either on Yoonchae’s lap or Sophia’s shoulder. But there was common courtesy in this household—Manon needed more comfort than Megan did right now. Plus, Megan got skittish about her tears when in front of all the girls. Yoonchae had overheard her talking to Dani about wanting to outgrow her sensitivity.
Yoonchae thought that was stupid. She knew that she was the maknae, but at least she didn’t act like it. Megan had once forgotten to wash her clothes until she quite literally had only Spider-Man boxers her brother bought her as a joke and a stained pink shirt Yoonchae was pretty sure used to be white with red stripes. Worse, she had to go get groceries like that since it was her turn and nobody could fill in anyway.
Lara ended up having to report it to management so they could take down the picture somebody took of her in the checkout line, wearing one ankle sock and one no-show in her slippers and sunglasses.
Now, she would never say this to Megan. She was glad that she stopped hiding it around Yoonchae because she was just a kid then—she still was, but she would turn eighteen this year. Manon always told her it was okay to be a little sensitive. It fell on deaf ears. Probably millions of people had seen a much smaller version of Yoonchae cry enough on Pop Star Academy—she didn’t want any new clips floating around ever again.
“Maybe what we need is go outside,” Lara suggested.
Manon sighed loudly. “Lara.”
“I’m serious. You need some vitamin D. We can play rugby, Megan.”
Megan turned her head to look at Lara upside down. “Hell yeah!”
Dani and Sophia laughed. Yoonchae closed her eyes for a second, imagining how the California heat would feel on her skin that was already covered in a thin sheen of sweat. They’d been out of rehearsal for an hour—maybe it was the idea of Megan’s fingers so close to her waistband her wrists occasionally brushed Yoonchae’s shirt.
So, maybe going outside wouldn’t be the worst thing.
She could take off her shirt, at least. It would be less weird. Yoonchae didn’t show very much skin, even at the house, usually still wearing a thick sports bra and sleep shorts while she had admittedly seen Lara in less. Still, most of the time she opted for a worn cotton shirt and sweats.
A part of her mind told her the girls would never make a big deal out of it—not even if Yoonchae was walking around in a bralette and underwear—but the picture of being seen like that in front of girls she used to call unnie gave her goosebumps.
When she opened her eyes again Manon was already being dragged out of the sliding door and down the steps by Dani and Megan. Lara was searching for a football.
Sophia lingered, standing over Yoonchae and offering a hand. Yoonchae accepted.
“Don’t hurt yourself,” Sophia said, a playful glint in her eyes though none in her voice.
“I won’t,” Yoonchae promised. She grabbed her water bottle from the coffee table and held it up as proof. “I stay hydrated now.”
“I’m proud of you,” Sophia said. But she was frowning, like she was disappointed she had to say that. Yoonchae’s throat burned with the urge to say the j-word and see Sophia’s reaction.
Instead, she smiled.
Lara already had Manon standing in the middle of the yard and was setting the football in her hands, pointing vaguely toward the fence in imaginary routes she was teaching Manon. Megan was eagerly bouncing on her toes across from them.
Dani was lying out a towel and setting her phone and shirt on it. Yoonchae realized while looking at the pink fabric that they should probably be sleeping instead of playing around.
Sophia slid on a pair of sneakers by the door and pulled Yoonchae down the steps. They split teams, Yoonchae with Sophia and Manon and Lara with Dani and Megan.
Sophia started with the ball, passing it over to Manon, whose sunglasses had already fallen off and shorts sliding down her hips. Yoonchae took off, unable to help the smile already creeping on her face when she heard Manon shriek with excitement.
Lara was holding out her arms and grabbing onto Manon, laughing loudly as they started to staggering toward the ground. Manon made a last ditch effort and launched the ball in Yoonchae’s general direction.
Yoonchae clutched it close to her chest, running towards the make-believe end zone. Sophia was doing her best to fend off Megan by wrapping her in a bear hug.
Dani was winded from laughing, stumbling in front of Yoonchae and going for her legs. Yoonchae held out an arm pressed it to Dani’s chest, both of the other girl’s arms around Yoonchae’s waist as they both fell to the grass.
Megan yelped and shouted something like get the ball, Dani!
The ball rolled a couple feet in the grass, Sophia breaking free from Lara and scooping it up in her arms and bolting for the fence.
“Go, Sophia!” Yoonchae shouted from beneath Daniela.
Sophia dove into the grass, sun shining directly into her eyes. She held up two hands in celebration.
Manon was following right after her, hauling her up and shaking her shoulders. Sophia threw her head back and laughed. Manon tucked her hands below Sophia’s waist and picked her up off the ground, leaning back while Sophia whooped wildly and pointed at a doubled-over Lara.
Yoonchae got up after Dani, who was shaking her head and hiding her smile with her hand.
Megan watched with her hands on her hips, eventually choosing to stare as Yoonchae joined her teammates. She wasn’t able to tear away her gaze from the glowing grin she hadn’t seen Yoonchae wear in a month.
Yoonchae only met eyes with her once. Megan stuck out her tongue.
Lara nudged Megan in the ribs with her elbow. “Yeah, I want that to be me. Next point’s ours,” she said breathlessly.
Dani jumped between them and slung her arms around their shoulders. “Oh yeah? You gonna pick me up when I score?”
“Okay, first of all, I’m going to score. Second, hell no! Sophia can do that,” Lara shot back with a smug smile.
Dani flushed slightly. “She’s not on our team, dumbass.”
Megan eyed Dani, flicking her on the shoulder. “Please. She’d pick you up right now if you asked.”
Daniela pushed both of them gently. Her cheeks were still a faint pink and a pout was formed on her lower lip. “Alright, stop it! Let’s just smoke them.”
Lara held out her fist and Megan bumped it, fueling Dani’s spluttering behind them.
Yoonchae lined up in front of the ball after working out a play with Manon and Sophia. Her hair was sticking to her forehead now and she wiped it loosely from her face.
Megan was bent just before Yoonchae, her own shirt ridden up purposely and revealing the lower half of her abs.
I love you. Like love you, love you.
Yoonchae swallowed.
Why did these thoughts always come to her when she had no time to think?
Yoonchae picked up the football, tossing it sideways to Manon and reaching up to block Megan’s sight of her. Their fingers tangled in each other’s shirts as they spun around.
Megan eventually broke free, running to help her team with a squeal. “Can’t catch me, Yoonchae!”
Yoonchae didn’t cringe like she normally would at how childish it was. She lunged after Megan, who tripped over her own feet and went sprawling out, taking Yoonchae with her when she couldn’t stop her momentum.
Megan grunted beneath her after a moment of them just lying there, and Yoonchae rolled off to the left while Megan rolled off to the right. She wasn’t smiling anymore, bracing her wrist close to her chest.
Yoonchae felt her eyes widen. “Megan?”
An entire new expression washed over Megan’s face—a shield that she used for the cameras and when she couldn’t hold hands with Yoonchae in public. While the rumors died down a little online.
“I’m okay. My wrist fell asleep, I think. You know, when it’s tingly?”
Yoonchae couldn’t be less convinced. “Can I see?”
Megan hesitated, glancing down at it. Yoonchae tried really hard to be considerate and keep her eyes on Megan’s.
“Fine. If you insist,” Megan mumbled. Yoonchae did not in fact insist and shot down the idea of voicing that.
Megan outstretched her right hand and Yoonchae took it seriously, propping herself up on her knees to take a good look.
It was already swelling slightly, skin puffy and red especially along the top and center of her wrist. She trembled with the effort of displaying it and Yoonchae carefully steadied her forearm. The skin covering her middle and ring knuckles were slightly purple.
Yoonchae’s free hand covered over the top of her hand while she glanced up for permission. Megan nodded but added, “Please be gentle.”
“Always,” Yoonchae breathed. She seriously hoped Megan didn’t hear.
Her touch was feather light against Megan’s skin. She pressed down on the center, Megan retracting slightly with a hiss. Yoonchae paused, waited for her to catch her breath, then shifted towards the little-finger side slowly, earning the same reaction.
“Can you flip it?” Yoonchae asked.
Somewhere beyond them Dani was hollering about fairness and Lara was egging her on.
Megan hummed noncommittally, then shook her head. Yoonchae noticed the whites of her eyes turning a little red as they glassed over.
When they had it rotated, Yoonchae traced her finger along the base of Megan’s thumb. The older girl shuddered.
“Sorry,” Yoonchae winced.
Megan shook her head. “No, no. That didn’t hurt. Sorry, I’m just… sensitive, right there.”
Yoonchae held in a smirk. Who could be sensitive on their hand? Megan held hands with people all the time and Yoonchae had never seen that reaction.
She moved on, outstretching all her fingers. “Um, can you do this? Like, extend them?”
Megan shifted so she was leaned back against her elbows, trying to press her palm to Yoonchae’s with a grimace.
“Okay. It’s okay.” Yoonchae braced her other hand on Megan’s stomach slowly.
Sophia was saying something now. Yoonchae figured they had caught on by Lara’s initial aw, they’re holding hands, let me get a picture to Manon’s I think Megan’s hurt!
The other four were crouched around them. Megan retracted her hand and cradled it to her chest, immediately shooting up. Yoonchae tried not to let her face crumple.
“Come on, Megs. You should get that looked at,” Sophia cut in through the onslaught of questions being fired at Megan.
“No!” Megan said, too quickly. “It probably just needs ice. I’ll ice it tonight.”
Yoonchae frowned. She wondered if this is what she had looked like refusing to take a break before their last performance. A shiver ran down her spine as she recalled the comments upon comments of backlash on HYBE and Geffen and comments about Yoonchae’s lack of energy or messy appearance.
“Megan,” Yoonchae huffed.
“Yoonchae,” Megan shot back. “Please. Can we all just sit outside for a little, before we do anything?”
Everybody pretended not to see Sophia blinking really hard.
Dani broke the silence. “I’ll get you some ice. We can sit out here until it melts. Then we’ll reevaluate.”
Lara hummed, snapping and pointing at Dani. “Yes. I’ll get some of those ice pops! I told all of you that we needed them.”
“Hey, I was onboard,” Manon protested.
Lara gently pet her on the back. “I know, sweetie,” she mocked.
Manon flipped her off.
Yoonchae and Megan stood up and the four retreated towards Daniela’s stuff, rolling it into the grass and letting Megan lay on the towel because of her grass allergy.
Dani came back with an ice pack and Lara with the ice pops, dishing them out to the appropriate people and then flopping down on the ground. Lara had taken her sunglasses back from Manon.
“Should we talk or just play music?” Dani asked, hooking up her phone to the portable Bluetooth speaker they left on the deck.
“Talk.” Sophia.
“Music!” Lara.
“Both?” Manon.
Megan and Yoonchae stayed quiet. Yoonchae was pretty sure Megan was already spiraling out about what even twisting her wrist meant for their upcoming performances in two weeks.
She not-so-subtly hooked her ankle so Megan’s calf was on top of her shin.
Dani played the music at a low volume and rolled the waistband so many times on her shorts that she might as well have taken them off. She was probably enjoying the sunshine the most of anyone.
“Manon?” Yoonchae said after maybe two songs had played. Her voice was kind of hoarse and she cleared it awkwardly.
“Uh-huh?” Manon hummed.
“What did Missy say to you?”
Manon sat up, shoulders going stiff. The other girls tried not to make it obvious they were staring expectantly, still lying face-up, most of them with sunglasses on.
“She was just talking about spacing. Choreo stuff.”
“Bull-shit,” Dani sang.
“It made you upset,” Lara chimed.
“And then you had to pick up your water,” Yoonchae said, mostly under her breath, “that she knocked over.”
Sophia frowned from beside Yoonchae, reaching over and gently picking some grass blades from her shirt to disguise her want to just be closer.
Manon chuckled, but she choked on it. Everybody sat up at that, shifting so they formed a circle with a couple gaps in it.
“I’m feeling a little ganged up on, guys,” Manon tried again. She pressed her palms to her eyes and rested her elbows on her knees.
“Sorry,” Megan whispered.
Manon sniffled. Dani tested the water by resting her head against Manon’s shoulder. She finally pulled her hands away from her watery eyes—one hand found Dani’s hand and the other wrapped around her knees.
“She thinks I’m falling behind. Those rehearsals I missed a couple weeks ago are showing now. And she just thinks—“ Manon inhaled shakily, gesturing essentially to her entire self “—that this just isn’t working.”
Sophia was blinking really hard again. Yoonchae acted this time and pulled her legs into a crisscross so she could be pressed against Sophia’s and Megan’s legs at the same time.
“She said it’s reminding her of Dream Academy. That I should prepare myself for the comments online and more feedback from the coaches and staff. That this is my fucking job so I need to act like it and pick up the slack that—the holes that—“ Manon stopped herself, mouth flying shut. Her gaze lifted off the grass, straight across the circle.
At Yoonchae.
Yoonchae processed the words, putting together the translation quicker than she would have four months ago.
But all she was able to manage was, “Oh.”
Megan side eyed her. She probably understood it before Yoonchae had. Her good hand flexed beside Yoonchae’s and the younger girl felt sick.
Very, very sick.
This confirmed every single fear Yoonchae has dreamt up in the past two weeks. Every single stress dream (including day-dreams) of her collapsing on stage, unbeknownst to her at the time that she would.
All the girls were looking at her now. The music seemed too loud.
Yoonchae thought that her heart rate would pick up. Maybe she would cry.
She actually felt like the opposite. Everything was moving in slow motion—her breaths came after long seconds of her holding it. The exhaustion was catching up to her all at once.
This was probably the secret third option to fight-or-flight scenarios.
Manon pulled her bottom lip into her mouth, eyes wide and tears freely flowing from her face. “I’m so sorry. I’ll do better.”
Dani pulled Manon’s hand to her lips, brushing her knuckles to them. Yoonchae knew that Sophia was probably having a flashback—a circle just like this one, Sophia confronting Manon about her absences and work ethic like she was a villain, then put into a group with her not even a year later. Sophia confessed in a drunken state once that she knows Manon was glad Sophia said that, but Sophia wished she kept her mouth shut so nobody could ever use her words against Manon again.
Yoonchae couldn’t take it anymore. She held her breath for so long that the edges of her vision went black.
“Nobody should have to ‘do better.’ It’s the company, not you,” Lara said sharply.
Megan shrunk in on herself slightly. “I can’t believe they would say that to you.”
Yoonchae’s vision blurred. She must have forced her breath out pretty loudly, because Dani was watching with her brows furrowed.
She pushed herself off the grass, accidentally kicking up a corner of Megan’s towel as she created distance between herself and the circle.
“Yoonchae?” Daniela called. Yoonchae already had her back turned, moving to the stairs before thinking twice.
Somebody was shuffling behind her, and she heard Megan whimper slightly. Lara told her something about not moving and her wrist when somebody’s hand was then wrapped around her elbow.
Yoonchae whipped around, face inches from brown eyes and glossy lips and black hair that mad everyone think they could be related if maybe they were.
“Don’t run away. Please,” Sophia begged, grip tight on Yoonchae’s skin. Yoonchae was still reminding herself to actually inhale and exhale.
Sophia let go, hiding her face in her hands. Yoonchae froze.
“I can’t take it anymore. I’m failing you—all of you. I’m supposed to keep us together. I’m supposed to look out for you, but all I’ve done is screw up. I didn’t protect you, Yoonchae. I didn’t step in for Manon. I didn’t fill in the space in rehearsal because I wanted to think that everything was okay. I was measuring our success on numbers and exposure when our success is really what we think of ourselves.”
Sophia was sobbing, words muffled by her hands.
Dani got to her feet, closing the distance between herself and Sophia and Yoonchae in quick but measured steps.
“I’m so sorry. I keep screwing up—I’m letting you down. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t even be crying right now—it’s my job to be there for you,” Sophia said, voice harsh in a way that she probably only reserved for herself.
Yoonchae watched, immobilized, as Dani bundled Sophia into a tight hug, chin pressed to her shoulder and palming the back of Sophia’s head. The leader let her forehead come down to Dani’s collarbone.
“Stop it, Sophia. You know we couldn’t have prayed for a better leader, because we would’ve been sent you every time. Every single time, it would be you,” Dani said, pitch wobbling.
Sophia fisted the back of Daniela’s shirt. Yoonchae knew she didn’t do that. She was an open-handed hug kind of person.
Manon joined them in a blink. Her cheeks were flush with emotion yet she pressed a kiss to both Sophia’s and Dani’s hair and joined the hug.
Lara was there next. Then Megan, ditching the ice pack on the towel with the plastic from the ice pops and adding herself to the embrace.
Yoonchae was stuck in cement again.
The part of her brain previously held awake by energy drinks felt alive for the first time all week. This is what Yoonchae caused. She caused Sophia to break. She couldn’t forgive herself for that.
Megan peered through Manon’s curls, outstretching her leg to beckon Yoonchae over.
Yoonchae wanted to cry. Or vomit. Either one was impossible—eyes too dry, stomach too empty.
She marched forward, draping her arm around Megan and Sophia. The latter was still crying, knees eventually weakening to the point of failure. Dani held onto her has she fell, lowering her to the ground. The other girls fell, too, still in a group hug.
“I love you all so much. I’m lucky to even look at any of you,” Sophia croaked.
Dani shushed her quietly. Manon rubbed soothing strokes into her back.
“Every single time,” Dani repeated quietly.
Yoonchae knew she was crying too.